It's my first Mother's Day tomorrow. Ok, technically 2nd. I was 13 weeks pregnant last year on Mother's Day. No bump. No kicks. No idea how you would change my world. Before you were born I was terrified you would ruin my life. No more late night dinners and movies with your daddy. No more sleeping in, no more bikinis. To be fair, we see a lot less movies and my tummy sees a lot less sun. But...you made me a mother.
How could I ever be ready to be someone's mother? I thought about everything my own mom had done for me over the years, and I knew I could never be all that for you. You deserved the best, and I'm just, well, mediocre. I tried to take care of you while you were growing in my belly. I even refused the pain meds when I was hospitalized at 22 weeks pregnant. I wanted to make you perfect, and you made me a mother.
When our "due date" came and went, and the texts/calls/visits from concerned family and friends came flooding in, we kept you safe and warm within me because I wanted you healthy. And on the morning my water broke, your daddy and I walked and breathed and prayed through 24 hours of unmedicated labor because you decided it was time to make me a mother.
We transferred to the hospital and trembled and prayed and pushed for another 24 hours because I wanted to see the moment you made me a mother. I wanted to feel it. I had waited a lifetime for you, and the thought of someday being your mom has saved me more times than you'll ever know.
After 26 years and 48 hours, I heard your first cry. My baby. MY baby. I dreamt about you during the night and while awake, wondering what you looked like, what you smelled like. But I would have to wait just a little bit longer to hold the one who made me a mother.
Then all at once, there you were. You appeared from behind the blue curtain, bundled up in stiff white linens, crying for your mother. They laid you on my chest and I did my best to introduce myself, but you already knew.
"Hi Baby."
You stopped crying as I kissed your face all over. "Hi my baby." Your cheeks, your nose, your lips. You looked up at me and I looked down at you. You made me a mother.
We brought you home and we navigated the uncharted waters together. You were much easier to take care of within me. You seemed to like it better, too. You made me clench my teeth every time you would latch on those first few days. You made me cry when you wouldn't go to sleep. You made me crazy when you wouldn't stop wailing. You made me a mother.
Somewhere along the way, I can't quite put my finger on when, things got easier and we started to enjoy each other. No one told me how much you would love me. You started to smile and grab my hair, you started to reach for me. How could you want me so badly? If only you knew what kind of person I was. Maybe you wouldn't like me so much if you heard of all the wonderful mothers out there who have home water births and themed-birthday parties. Maybe you would wish you had a different mother.
I'll never wish I had a different son.
Oh my baby...you made me fall in love again. You opened my heart to the wonders of this world. The way your hair pulsed as a newborn with every beat of your heart. The first time I cut your fingernails and they were the tiniest moon-shaped shavings on my hands. You made me care about all the ridiculous things like watching you jump in your jumper and hold your bottle all by yourself.
No matter what happens to me, no matter how big you grow, you will always hold a special place in my heart, for you are my baby, and you made me a mother.
