It was Saturday, June 1st. I had been living at my parents' house in Ames since May 22nd to wait for the baby. Brad and I had decided at the beginning of the pregnancy that we were going to see my cousin, Dr. Tami, who practiced in Des Moines. I knew I wanted to try for a VBAC, and I wanted a provider I knew and trusted. I was getting more and more anxious toward the end of my pregnancy, because I didn't want to go into labor 3 hours away from my doctor and hospital. So I decided to stay in Ames after my 37 week appointment, while Brad worked in Sioux City. The past week and a half felt like an eternity as my mom and I tried to stay busy and go into labor. My dad had just taken Roman down to the lake house, and I knew the next time I saw him, he would probably be a big brother. We said our usual, "I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be," and I could barely choke out the last few words. It was true, no matter how many new babies we have, he would always be my first baby. I tried to hold it together because I didn't want him to see me sad. I watched him drive away and went inside and lost it. After a good cry and talking to Brad, I started getting ready to go to the mall for the matinee showing of Aladdin with my mom. I had just walked up the stairs and I felt a tiny gush of warm fluid, so I stopped in the bathroom while my mom waited for me in the kitchen. I had been losing my mucous plug over the past 2-3 weeks, especially after cervical checks, and Braxton Hicks contractions almost my whole pregnancy. I didn't see anything in the bathroom, so I just assumed it was watery discharge and we headed to the mall. Once the movie started, I noticed my Braxton Hicks contractions were coming somewhat regularly, so I started timing them on my Fit Bit. They were about 6-10 minutes apart, but I tried not to get my hopes up because they weren't painful at all. I texted Brad to let him know, since he was 3 hours away and had to be on call at all times. By the time we got home, the contractions died off, so we decided to go on another long walk. We had been logging over 12,000 steps a day on our Fit Bits from all the walking. At the far end of our walk, around 4 pm, I felt another small gush. Again, I assumed it was just discharge since all kinds of weird things happen at the end of pregnancy. For dinner we went to one of my favorite restaurants in Ames, Hickory Park. My mom joked that this could be "The Last Supper", like it was for her right before my sister Amy was born. I basically rolled my eyes and said, "Ya right, I'll be pregnant forever." Plus, my cousin Tami was out of town Friday through Monday, so I knew she wouldn't be there to deliver the baby if I went into labor that weekend. We finished dinner, then went to Target to kill time. Since Roman was with my dad at the lake house, I knew I had a little free time in the evening. I bought a face mask, face scrub, a hair mask, and Epsom salts to have a "spa night". I took a bath and used all my new goodies when we got home. Then we watched the 2nd Sherlock Holmes (since we watched the first one the night before), and went to bed. I had joked earlier in the day that this would be the night I would go into labor since it was the first night I wouldn't have to have Roman's monitor and I could actually get a good night of sleep, between all the 3rd trimester bathroom breaks at least. Well, at 5 am on Sunday, June 2nd I woke up to another warm gush of fluid and went to the bathroom. This time the fluid was definitely more than discharge, but nothing like the gushing waterfall I had when my water broke with Roman. Could I have really peed myself?? No, I didn't think so. I called Brad and woke him up to ask him what I should do. I knew they could do a test at the hospital to see if it was amniotic fluid, but I knew I would be devastated if I got sent home. "Just go," he said. "Get it checked out." I wasn't having contractions, but with Brad's prompting, I tiptoed to my mom's room to let her know what was going on. I slowly opened her door and she was already awake and on her phone. She almost shot up out of bed when she saw me, and I told her about the fluid and she thought we should go to the hospital, too. I told her I needed to shower and pack everything just in case they kept me. I went back downstairs, showered, shaved my legs, and packed up all my stuff to head to Des Moines. When I went back upstairs, my mom had made eggs, but I could barely eat any because I was too nervous and excited. I called the hospital to let them know I was coming, and we drove the rest of the way in silence. Once we got to Methodist in Des Moines, I checked into Labor and Delivery and they took me to a small triage room to do an exam.
They had me change into the hospital gown and we waited for the nurse. At 7:30 am, Jamie did a cervical check on me. She said I was still a tight 2cm (which is what I was at my 38 week appt.), and 50-60% effaced. She took a swab to check if the fluid I was feeling was amniotic fluid, but said based on how it felt she thought I might be ruptured! I asked how long the test would take, and she said 30-40 minutes. I started texting Brad, Tami, and our birth photographer to let them know this might be the real thing. After the longest wait of my life, Jamie came back in room and said, "Well, you're not crazy! Your water broke!" I couldn't believe it! I was so happy they wouldn't be sending me home. She started an IV and all the admission paperwork. She told me there weren't any rooms open yet, but 15 people were being discharged today, so I should get a room between 10am to noon. Jamie contacted the doctor on call, Dr. Hanson, and they wanted me to walk the halls and bounce on a birth ball to try to get things going. The plan was to start pitocin around noon when I got admitted to a room since I was only 2cm. I called Brad to tell him my water broke and he needed to leave. He replied, "Ok, but I have to run a few errands first." Typical. "Ok, just let me know when you leave." I told the birth photographer and Tami that my water broke. I knew it meant that Tami probably wouldn't be the one to deliver the baby after seeing her for 9 months, and I was sad, but excited to finally meet our baby girl. At 7am, there was a shift change, so our new nurse was Shawna. Both she and Jamie were amazing, and I hoped I would have the baby before the next shift change. For the next 2 hours my mom and I walked the halls of the birth unit, which was just a big circle. There were just a couple babies in the nursery and I was instantly drawn to one little boy who had thick, dark hair. "Oooh, I'm gonna have one of those soon!" I squealed to my mom. I looked at that baby every time we came around to hopefully get a little Oxytocin boost. Toward the end of our walking, though, there was a cleaning lady who tried to talk to me every time I came around. At first it was cute, but then she started saying things like, "Girl, you need to smile." Girl, I'm trying to go into labor. After that we started walking in a giant C, instead of a circle, to avoid her. At 10:30 Shawna checked me, and I was now 2-3 cm, but still 50-60% effaced. It made me feel good that all our walking actually did something. At 10:45 Dr. Hanson made an appearance to let me know the plan again. She asked if I had any questions, and I said, "Can I eat?" "No," she said, "sorry." She left and I started sneaking food, because I knew I needed energy for labor, and I only had a few bites of eggs at 5am. We decided to take a break from walking, and I felt really tired all of the sudden. I told my mom wanted to take a nap before they started the pitocin, so I laid on the bed in the triage room and drifted in and out of sleep. After a little catnap, I bounced on the ball while I waited for a room. At 12:15 my sister, Beka, showed up from Cedar Falls. She had missed the birth of Roman because she was flying to Thailand, so I was excited she would be there for the birth of Hadley. By 12:30 contractions were picking up a little to 7-10 minutes apart, but still not painful. At 12:40, they finally transferred me to my room, and Brad arrived at the hospital. I gave him a hug and a kiss as I stepped out of the bathroom and said, "Hi. Let's have a baby."
At 1:04 pm Shawna came and started a saline drip. At 1:26 she checked me again and I was still 2cm, but more effaced and anterior. Then at 1:28 she started the pitocin at 2. It was go time. Our birth photographer, Lindsey, came at 1:45 to take some early labor and last bump pictures. I was nervous to labor with the pitocin, but I didn't notice a difference in contractions since they started so low and upped it every 30 min. Shawna said I can try the cordless monitor if I wanted to walk the halls again, but it doesn't read baby's heart rate as well. Since I was trying for a VBAC, they needed to monitor the baby closely for any distress while I was in labor. I told her it was fine, and I just wanted to labor in my room anyway.
At 2:46 I felt another gush of water with a contraction, and they continued to increase the pitocin by 2 every half an hour. The sun was shining through the big windows in my room, and I loved laboring in the light. At 3:34 I was having a little harder contractions and more gushing water. Shawna checked me again and I was 4cm and 70% effaced. It was so encouraging to be progressing. I kept saying, "I can't believe I'm a 4! I never got past 4 with Roman and it hurt way worse than this. Maybe I should try to do this natural, haha." Lindsey decided to leave for awhile to let me labor and she would come back as I got closer to delivering for more pictures. My mom and Beka left the room to get some food, and at 3:48 the rest of my water broke all over the floor. It was the familiar warm waterfall feeling I had when my water broke with Roman. "Take a picture!" I told Brad. "Really?" he said. "Yes! I want to document everything and I never got a picture after my water broke with Roman." Begrudgingly he grabbed my phone and snapped a pic of the puddle on the floor before cleaning it up. My water continued to gush out during contractions as they continued to increase the pitocin to 12, 14, and 16. I varied my labor positions from side-lying, standing, and squatting. I asked Brad to play me some Alejandro Aranda music. We had discovered him through American Idol, and watched the whole season together. He pulled up YouTube on my phone and his familiar voice and soothing style helped me relax through contractions. I joked to Brad that when we go to his concert in July, we'll have to tell him his music got me through childbirth. After we got through all of his songs on YouTube, I requested some John Mayer. Technically both of those artists are Brad's favorite, but it was the type of music I was in the mood for as I worked to bring our baby earthside.
At 5:35pm, Shawna checked me again. She was quiet for awhile before she said I had an "inner os" to my cervix that she didn't feel before. She left the room to get Jamie, my triage nurse from earlier, for a second opinion. Jamie checked me and said that I was a good 3cm, and 75-80% effaced. It was hard not to feel crushed and disappointed, because I felt like I had lost a centimeter. Shawna apologized and said she must have been feeling the outer os, and suggested I try the "Texas roll" position. She had me lay on my side, a little farther than 90 degrees as I rested my top leg on the side table. The contractions continued to increase in intensity as they maxed out the pitocin at 20 by 6:05pm. At 7pm, there was another shift change, but Shawna wanted to check me one more time. I smiled as she said I was a good 4cm and 80% effaced. My new nurse was Sara, and she would be with me until 7am.
I stood back up so I could move my hips and squat as the contractions were getting harder and harder. I started needing Brad to push on my hips for counter pressure through each contraction like he did with Roman. By 8:34pm, we called Sara back into the room to check me and ask about getting the epidural. My goal was to make it to 4-6 cm before getting an epidural, but before I was in so much pain that I was losing control. I felt like it was a good time to get the ball rolling, because I knew it could be awhile before the anesthesiologist came to my room. At 8:45, she called the anesthesiologist, and said he should be there shortly after 9pm. I felt like the baby's head was getting lower and was starting to get shaky. The contractions were very intense at their peak, coming every 2-3 minutes and lasting 60-90 seconds. I was having to moan through the contractions, but still had enough humor left to say I was scheduling a vasectomy. So many things reminded me of Roman's birth, even though it was so different. The smell of amniotic fluid, the feeling of contractions in active labor, and reaching for Brad to squeeze my hips, all brought back memories of going through this before. I was still surprisingly calm about everything. I knew that I was going to do to everything within my power to have a successful VBAC, but ultimately I had very little control over anything. I was much more flexible going into this birth than I was with Roman. I didn't even have a "birth plan" this time. I was riding the waves of labor as they came. While I waited for the anesthesiologist, I started to feel the contractions in my back. I never experienced back labor with Roman, so this was a new feeling. It felt like my left SI joint was ripping in two at the peak of my contractions. I knew I better get the epidural soon, and I was glad I started the process when I did.
At 8:50pm we waited for a break in contractions and Sara checked me again. She said I was 5-6 cm and a -2 station! I was ecstatic! I felt so accomplished that I made it to 5-6 cm on pitocin without any pain meds. They had offered me IV Fentanyl, but I didn't want anything to alter my state of mind or make me feel drunk. I was very drugged up when Roman was born, and I wanted to avoid that feeling if possible. At 9:16 the anesthesiologist, Dr. Anderson, walked in the room and I said, "Are you just everyone's favorite person?" He laughed and then asked me if I had had an epidural before. I said yes, and it was horrible. He asked me what was horrible about it has he started setting everything up. I told him in between contractions as I moaned and swayed that my right side got numb, but my left side never really did, and that if felt like my legs were on fire. He told me that he could cheat off to the left a little, to make sure my left side got numb this time. That made me worried that my right side wouldn't get numb, but he seemed to know what he was talking about, so I trusted him. At some point Brad made a "just got reinstated" joke and made Dr. Anderson laugh again as I rolled my eyes. At 9:25 pm everyone except Dr. Anderson, my nurse Sara, and Brad left the room. Sara sat me on the edge of the bed while Dr. Anderson prepped my back and gave me instructions. He said he was going to do a numbing shot first, then while he was placing the epidural, I had to hold absolutely still, or I could get a CSF leak which causes epidural headaches. I had one contraction while I was sitting high on the bed with my feet dangling, and it was even more painful since I couldn't move through it. I was nervous I was going to have another contraction in the middle of him placing the epidural, because I didn't know if I would be able to hold completely still. He injected the numbing solution, which felt like a pinch, then Sara had me curl over a pillow and push my spine back toward Dr. Anderson. I knew what was coming since I had gone through this before, but I was still anxious to be done and hopefully start feeling some relief. Dr. Anderson worked quickly as he told me this was the part to hold still. I tried to relax, which was hard because I was still trembling a lot. He pushed the needle between my vertebrae, more on the left side than the right, and started threading the catheter. The pressure was uncomfortable, but not near as painful as my first epidural with Roman. He kept talking to me as he was working, asking if my feet were going numb, if my ears were ringing or if I tasted a metallic taste in my mouth. I said no to everything. Before I knew it, he was putting the big sheet of adhesive over my back to secure the epidural, and had me lay on my back. I was amazed at how fast it was and so grateful he was able to time it perfectly between contractions. As soon as it was done, I had another one. He warned me to try not to slide on my back so I wouldn't accidentally dislodge the catheter, or we would have to go through all this again. I definitely didn't want to go through that again, I remember thinking, "This is my last baby," as he was pushing the needle in my back. He told me I was going to start feeling like the peak of the contractions were shorter, and milder, and then I shouldn't feel them anymore. I told him my left leg started feeling numb, was that a problem? He laughed and said, "It's supposed to." I said, "Haha, oh I didn't know you started it yet." Within seconds my right leg was numb, too, and I instantly knew this was going to be a better epidural than Roman's, thank goodness. Dr. Anderson stayed in the room as the epidural was trickling down my back. I started feeling lightheaded, my ears were getting muffled, and I knew my blood pressure was dropping. "I feel like I'm going to pass out," I said. Dr. Anderson had Sara check my blood pressure, and it was 80/50. He had her increase my fluids and turn me on my left side. After a few minutes she checked my blood pressure again and it was 90/50 and I was feeling better. I asked if it was a PCA, and he said yes, and showed me the button I could push every 10 minutes if I needed a boost. Satisfied with how I was doing, Dr. Anderson wished me luck and said, "Just got reinstated, ha, I'm gonna use that one," and left the room. Sara told me I would have to turn from side to side every 30 min to keep the epidural flowing evenly since I couldn't lay flat on my back without my blood pressure dropping. I knew from that point forward I would be confined to the bed, but I was so happy my epidural was working and I wasn't having the horrible fire feeling in my legs. My left leg was definitely more numb from him cheating to the left, but my right side was numb, too.
Everyone came back into the room, and I labored for another hour and a half as Sara turned me from left to right and back again. I also had to keep the blood pressure cuff on my left arm since I had the epidural running. Lindsey went back home to get some sleep while Brad snored on the recliner and my mom and sister somehow tried to both sleep on the couch. At 11:02 Sara said she was going to empty my bladder. She used a straight catheter, which I thought was weird, instead of a Foley. After draining 300 cc's of urine, she checked me at 11:08. She said I was 6 cm, and had a forebag of water. I couldn't believe it, because that's exactly what I had with Roman. Even though my water had ruptured both times, there was still a pocket of amniotic fluid that was bulging in front of the baby's head. With Roman, the doctor broke it right away. Sara said she was going to let the doctor know and maybe they would break it, or let it help open my cervix. The doctor on call since 5pm was Dr. Dickerson, but I never ended up seeing her. Sara had me try to sit upright to put more pressure on my cervix, but I started feeling like I was going to faint again and my blood pressure dropped to 80/41, so I went back on my left side. At 11:25, 2 nurses came in and moved me on my hands and knees into the "rescue position". It took 2 nurses because my left side was very numb and I couldn't move my left leg at all. It even fell off the bed at one point, which reminded me of when my right leg fell off the bed when I was laboring with Roman and Brad had to "hot potato" my leg back on the bed because I was screaming at him not to touch it. I was very nervous to be on my hands and knees and kept telling the nurses I didn't want to be there long. When I was trying to push Roman out, I tried the hands and knees position and it made my epidural stop flowing properly, and my contractions returned with a vengeance. I was terrified of that happening again, and at midnight they turned me back to my right side. I officially was not having a June 2nd baby. Dr. Anderson peeked in the room at 12:15 to see how I was doing. I told him I was feeling well and couldn't feel the contractions, then he left again. I tried to get some rest, but I was shivering, sweating, and itching from the epidural. Plus, my blood pressure cuff was going off at least every half hour and Sara was switching me from left to right every half hour with a peanut ball between my legs, too. I didn't tell my nurse that I was itchy, because I didn't want to get IV Benadryl. I had it with Roman and hated the way it made me feel drunk. At 12:45 Sara came in to switch me to my right side, because the baby's heart rate was dropping a little on my left side. At 1 am she checked me again, and I was a -1 station, almost 7 cm, and I still had a lot of pressure on the forebag of water. Sara said she was going to call Dr. Dickerson and see if she wanted to turn the pitocin off. At this point, my contractions were very close together, about 2 minutes apart, and they wanted to give my body a break and see if I would keep contracting on my own. At 1:05 am, they turned off the pitocin. I remember feeling hesitant, because I was nervous it would halt my already slow labor. At 1:15 Sara turned me back to my right side and I felt another warm gush as the forebag of water ruptured on its own. At 1:22 Sara came back into my room and said I needed to have some oxygen to "perk up the baby", and she started the 3rd bag of fluids. I was a little scared that I needed oxygen, I just wanted everything to be ok with the baby and I knew if she started showing distress, I would have a c section right away. Sara didn't seem concerned, and after a few minutes of breathing through the oxygen mask, the baby's heart rate went back to normal. At 1:30 am Sara put in a Foley catheter, saying she couldn't keep up with my urine output with a straight cath, thank you Stone Bru Hydro Flask, and I was still only 7 cm.
It was so strange to see her tape the catheter to my left leg. It was completely numb, more numb than my right leg because of the epidural cheating off to the left, and it was like watching someone tape something to someone else's leg. At 1:40 I didn't need the oxygen anymore, and my body was still contracting every 3.5 minutes without the pitocin. However, by 2:15 am Sara started me back on pitocin at 1 with the doctor's permission since my contractions had slowed down to about 4 minutes apart. Sara checked me at 3am and I was 7cm, almost 8, and 90-100% effaced. She said I still had a little forebag, and tried to move it and more fluid came out. I could not believe how much fluid kept coming out of me in a 24 hour period, ha! Sara "massaged" my cervix until it was 8 cm. At 3:15 she bumped the pitocin up to 2. At 3:35 am my temp was 98.5. I was grateful I never had a fever, because I knew the risk of infection increases after 24 hours of ruptured membranes. Luckily this hospital didn't automatically start me on penicillin after 24 like they did with Roman. They just said they were going to watch my temperature, and it never got above 99. By 4 am my contractions had slowed to 4-5 minutes apart. By 4:30 Sara increased my pitocin to 6, and I started feeling contractions again on my right side. I had not felt the need to push the PCA button on my epidural up until this point, but I wanted to stay ahead of the pain so I pushed it for the first time. There was a beep while I felt a cold trickle down my back. At 5 am she checked me again, the baby was lower, at a zero station, and I was 8 to 9 cm. I was very tired and my pelvis was getting sore from being checked so much, but Sara was always happy and positive with my progress. She increased my pitocin to 8. I was getting annoyed, though, because every time she left my room she would pat my left leg which was mostly numb, so it felt like someone touching my leg while it was asleep. By 5:30 my contractions were back to 2.5 to 3 minutes apart, and I was feeling more pressure. She increased the pitocin to 9. The sun was starting to rise and it was getting brighter in my room. I decided I would "wake up" for the day, and try sitting since I wasn't getting any sleep anyway. I tried to make until 7am to get checked, but I was feeling pressure and contractions down low so she checked me at 6:45. I was still 8 to 9 cm but lower at +1 station. By 6:50 I was started to feel more pain and pressure, I pushed the PCA button again, but I was starting to get restless. At 7 am there was another shift change and Sara handed me off to my new nurse, Angie. At 7:10 am I started having a lot of bloody fluid. Brad and Beka helped wipe me with towels and they showed me the bright red blood on the white towel. I hoped that meant something was happening and birth was right around the corner, because I was getting very uncomfortable. I texted Lindsey that I was feeling more pressure and it might be soon. By 7:30 am I started feeling a lot of rectal pressure, and having more bloody fluid. Ten minutes later they turned me past 90 degrees on my side to try to take some pressure off my bottom. At 7:45 Angie increased the pitocin to 12. Around 8 am, the new doctor, Dr. Brown, came into my room. I knew by the look on his face he was about to say something I didn't want to hear. I saw that look too many times on the faces of Roman's doctors. He started off by saying I had been at 8 cm for quite a few hours, and that if I didn't make any changes within an hour or two that we would have to "have a conversation". My heart sank. It was like deja vu. It wasn't the "C-word" I was afraid he would use, but I knew what he meant. I didn't want to come all this way AGAIN just to have another c-section. "As long as the baby looks fine, I want to keep going," I said. Desperately. It was the first time in labor I felt the fear and disappointment from Roman's birth creep into my mind. "I understand, but if there's no progress in the next couple of hours, we need to have a conversation," he repeated. He left the room and I lost it. I was sobbing to Brad that I didn't want to go through that again, I couldn't believe this was happening, I didn't know what to do. He tried to console me, but he had his own trauma from Roman's birth. "You don't have to do anything right now, but I'll tell you what we're not going to do," he said, "we're not going to keep doing this until 5 am tomorrow." I texted my cousin, Tami, at 8:07 am, I hadn't updated her all night. "I don't know what to do. I've been 8 forever and Dr. Brown is talking about a c section but baby's heart rate is good. I always take forever to get to 10, this feels exactly like romans birth, but i feel like if i could get to 10 i can push her out". She called my phone shortly after I sent the text, but I had Brad answer because I was crying too hard. After a few minutes of talking, Brad hung up and told me she said Dr. Brown wasn't saying I had to have a c section, he was just preparing for all the options since labor was taking too long. If they baby looks fine, he would let me keep laboring. I heard her words, but I still felt hollow. I felt like he had already made up his mind. I felt like a failure again. Shortly after Dr. Brown left, Lindsey came back. I couldn't see her through my blurry tears, but I could hear her voice. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to as long as baby is ok. Don't let anyone bully you." She had turned from birth photographer to birth doula, and it was exactly what I needed to hear.
At 8:25 I pushed the PCA button again, and by 8:29 I was bawling and writhing in pain from the pressure in my butt. I didn't want Angie to increase the pitocin anymore, I couldn't take it. She tried to reassure me that the pressure was a good thing, but I had been stuck at 8 for so long and the pain was so unbearable, I started to give up. "Brad I don't know what to do!" I cried. "I can't do this anymore!" "Just try to make it until 10am, baby, you can do this." "No," I replied, "I don't WANT to do this anymore." I looked into his eyes, silently begging him to not make me say it. "Do you-do you want a c section?" he asked. I didn't want to say yes, but I was losing control. The pain was so bad, even with the epidural. "I don't know, I just can't do this anymore." Shortly after Angie came back in the room. "How long would it take from now if I wanted to do a c section?" I asked with a shaky voice. She told me she would have to look into it, because they had some scheduled c sections that morning. That was it. I felt like I was up against a wall, and there was a wall behind me. I felt stuck. Stuck at 8cm, stuck in pain, stuck between a VBAC and a c section. I knew the only way out was through. Even though Angie told me the PCA button probably wouldn't help with the pressure I was feeling, I decided to start pushing it every 10 minutes anyway because I was in so much pain and had nothing to lose. Angie checked me at 8:30 and I was 9! I felt a glimmer of hope, like a little "F you" to Dr. Brown. I was past the dreaded 8 cm finally. I kept watching the little PCA button, there was a little green light that came on when you could push it. The 10 minutes felt so long as I stared for that green light like Gatsby. By 8:58 am the epidural was starting to take some of the edge off. Angie checked me again and I was 9 and a half. She had me push during a contraction while she tried to move the lip around the baby's head. The lip was soft and movable, but there was still a lip on the right side she wanted me to labor through. I laid on my right side to let gravity help with the lip, and passed the time by talking with Lindsey about photography. "You guys don't know this," I said to my mom and sister, "but you're in the presence of greatness. Lindsey and Amy are two of the best newborn photographers in the business." I knew before I even got pregnant that I wanted to hire a professional birth photographer this time around. It was an investment, but after going through Roman's birth and feeling like there were gaps in my memory, it was worth it to have someone capture all the details I wanted to remember.
At 9:47 Angie checked me again and I still had a tiny lip. She left the room to let me labor some more, and I decided to buckle down and do hip circles during each contraction to get rid of the lip. I could feel some pressure and tightness on the right side where I visualized the lip to be during contractions. I felt like it was working because after a few contractions I started to feel "pushy". You always hear about the "urge to push", but I never experienced that with Roman. I had the pressure, but his head was never low enough to feel pushy. Before this, I always thought the urge to push was just an urge, so you start pushing. I didn't realize your body ACTUALLY starts pushing and you can't stop it. It felt like the baby was trying to come out my butt and I had Brad and Beka check to make sure I wasn't pooping all over the sheets. I wasn't. I told my family to call Angie and tell her I was feeling pushy. She checked me at 10:29 and I watched her face as she carefully checked all around the baby's head. "I'm just making sure there's nothing hiding here...the lip is gone, you're a 10!" I raised my hands in victory, then put them on my face. With Roman I was stuck at 9.5 for at least 6 hours, so I was elated I had progressed from 9 to 10 so quickly. I finally recognized that little "freak out" I had was probably transition. Just when you think you can't go on any further, the floodgates, or in this case, my cervix, open. "You wanted a mirror, is that right?" Angie asked. "Yes, I said." I had wanted one with Roman, too, but never got it. Angie brought in the mirror and Beka positioned it so I could see.
Around 10:45 Angie had me start pushing with each contraction. I forgot how much I hate holding my breath for 10 seconds three times per contraction. My mom started off holding my left leg and Brad was on my right. It only took a few contractions before I felt completely winded and the pressure in my butt was unbelievable. I knew I was so close at this point, but it was excruciating to push when I was already feeling so much pressure. After each contraction, I rolled to my side and Brad put Tucks pads on my butt. Contraction, hold legs, hold breath, push, repeat 2 more times, roll to side, insert Tucks pads. Over and over we repeated that cycle. After about 15 minutes, I could start to see the baby's head in the mirror. I could see her dark thick hair, and it helped motivate me to push. I ended up loving the mirror. I felt like it helped me see how to push; what was working and what wasn't. It was a very slow process, and I felt like I was barely moving her down. Angie had me push in different positions: on my back and on each side. At one point Dr. Brown came in to watch during a contraction and I felt like I was on stage and had to impress him. I pushed so hard it felt like my eyeballs would pop out of my face. He nodded in approval with a little smile on his face and left the room again. I passed. When I was pushing with Roman, the doctor kept shaking his head and I felt like a bad pusher. This time I got a nod and I felt like a champion pusher. After about an hour and half of pushing with just Angie, Dr. Brown came in and asked me how I felt about using the vacuum. I have seen a vacuum used before, and I had always thought it looked a little rough. "Is it safe?" I asked. I'm not sure why I asked, I knew I was going to say yes. Get this baby out of me. Roman's head was never low enough and he had too much caput to use a vacuum or forceps. He told me that everything has risks, but she was in the perfect position to use it and her head was plenty low. It would just help guide her under my pubic bone during contractions. I said lets go for it, and within a few minutes there was a flurry of activity in the room. Nurses I had never seen started setting up the warming table, getting Dr. Brown into his gear, and setting up the equipment. Angie took out my catheter, and started working on the tape on my leg. I told her she could just rip it off because I couldn't feel anything, but she said then it would be raw later. Oh, duh. I didn't notice much outside of what I was feeling. The more pain you're in, the smaller your circle of observation becomes. I sensed Brad on my right side, my mom going between holding my leg and the couch, and my sister taking video. While I had been pushing with just Angie, Beka had asked if I wanted one continuous video or multiple little videos. "You're not allowed to take videos," Angie said. I was quiet because I knew Beka would take video anyway, she knew how much it meant to me and I could trust her to be defiant when I needed her to. "She's just taking pictures," I pointed to Lindsey. "Pictures are fine," Angie replied. And we left it at that. My one extra request I had was that Brad be the one to catch the baby, if possible. I thought it would be a really cool experience for all of us, but as soon as I knew they were going to use a vacuum, it went out the window. Brad was probably more comfortable staying at my leg, anyway. At 12:20 Dr. Brown had attached the vacuum to the baby's head, and we were all just waiting for the next contraction. It was the calm before the storm. I asked him how long or how many contractions it usually takes with the vacuum, and he said it depends. I knew I was going to push with everything I had, and the next contraction started to build. "You ready?" He said. I nodded and pulled my legs up and grabbed the back of my numb legs. Brad was on my right leg, Angie was on my left. I bared down, tucked my chin to my chest and pushed with everything I had left. Even though it felt like my eyes were popping out, I kept them open to watch what was happening on the mirror.
The first push brought her head out about the size of a grapefruit. "Look, I'm barely helping at all," Dr. Brown said. The second push brought her head out even more. I was nervous I would feel the infamous "ring of fire", but I never did. The third push brought her head halfway out, and the contraction was over. The pressure was intense as her head was half in and half out, it felt like I was being pried open. "Should I push again?" I asked. I really didn't want to wait for another contraction with her head hanging out of me. "Yes," he said. I pushed again and her head came all the way out. I heard excited squeals from the couch and I knew it was my sister. "Hannah, there she is!" "Do you have one more in you?" asked Dr. Brown. "Yes," I said, and I pushed as I watched Dr. Brown grab her head, turn it to the right, and wrap his hands around her chest and shoulders as she came out. I remembered that I always wanted to reach down and feel my baby come out, but I never got to have that chance. As the doctor was pulling the rest of her body out, I reached down and felt my baby's head right before she was fully born. It was a perfect circle of love. I finished pushing and took a breath as I watched my own birth through a mirror. All the pressure was gone as Dr. Brown pulled her out and laid her on my stomach. I instantly cried as I wrapped my arms around her. I did it! It was a cry of relief, of pride, of pure love. "I waited my whole life for this moment," I cried.
The first thing I noticed was that her skin was so warm and slightly sticky from the vernix. She was a grayish/pinkish/purple color, and she cried right away as the nurse rubbed her with a blanket. "She looks just like Roman!" I exclaimed. I couldn't believe it. I looked up at Brad through my tear-filled eyes. I couldn't see much, but I could see his big smile. The umbilical cord was short, so they couldn't put her all the way up to my chest yet. Dr. Brown waited a minute to let the cord pulse before he cut it. "Dad, do you want to cut the cord?" He asked Brad. "Yes!" I answered for him. It was just another thing he missed out on during Roman's birth. Someone handed him a pair of scissors and he cut through the cord in two snips. Once her cord was cut, the nurse placed her higher on my chest. She was so warm, a little wet, and crying with her little chin quivering. She smelled like only a fresh newborn can smell. There's nothing else in the world like it, and I'm convinced it's what makes women keep having babies regardless of the pain.
They did the rest of her measurements and checked some vitals. They put on her first diaper and an ugly white hat and handed her back to me. "Are you really mine?" I kept saying over and over. I couldn't believe she was finally here, and that I got to have a successful VBAC! It was everything I had worked so hard for 9 months, and dared to dream. There were so many parallels with Roman's birth, but so many differences at the same time. Even though her birth was still long and hard, it was the most healing and rewarding experience of my life.
Hadley Marie Lepper. 6/3/19 at 12:22 pm. 7 lbs, 13.6 oz, 20.5 inches long.
