Now that we're both moms: A letter to my mother

You always said I'll know just how much you love me once I have my own.

I'll never forget calling you about half a second after I peed on that plastic stick that changed my life forever. You already knew before I could say it, you could hear it in my voice. You always had a knack for that. Maybe it comes from learning my cries from the very beginning...I'm there right now.

I was nervous to tell you for some reason, maybe you wouldn't think I wasn't ready for this. I wasn't. It's true what they say. As much as I wanted to prove everyone wrong with all my "readiness", you're never ready for no sleep, to have your heart broken every day with love.

You were nothing but happy for me. Of course. My lifelong cheerleader. I can still hear your voice from the stands in my memories, "You can do it!" You were there from the first varsity game to the last, and everything in between. I see it now.

I see you getting up at all hours of the night to feed me. I see you tearing off the sheets for the 17th time that week because I ate too much and spit up on your bed. I see you smiling through the bags under your eyes, talking baby talk to me through your hoarse, sleep deprived voice because it's morning and I'm happy and cooing at you from the changing table. You're not gonna miss this.

I see you putting a brand new diaper on me, just to tear it off and put another brand new one on because I have impeccable poop-timing. Your house might be dirty, but my butt is clean. You make sure of that. That's why you give me a bath every night, even though your back aches and your knees hurt. You smile through the pain because I love baths and you're not gonna miss this.

Fast forward to November 24th 2015 at around 5am. I'm calling you from the toilet again, but this time it's because my water broke. You race out the door and make the 3 hour drive through the snow to my house because I need you and you're not gonna miss this.

You were there for my first steps, you were there when I lost my first tooth, you were there when my first boyfriend broke my heart, you were there when Brad put the pieces back together, and you were there for every minute of my 48 hour labor. I promise it was harder on you than it was on me. 

I see that now. Every time I accidentally bump Roman's head on something, or when I scratched his little nose trying to put his pacifier back in, it hurt me worse than it hurt him.

But something subtle, yet amazing happened through those 48 hours...I became a mother.

So here's a thank you that's about 26 years belated. Because I hope Roman tells me thank you some day.

Thank you for keeping me alive and clean and fed in the early days. Thank you for homeschooling me for 2 years. I know now it was you giving up the only free time you had to yourself during the day, so thank you. I needed that. I truly believe that set me on the path to success and gave me the tools and the confidence to finish nursing school all those years later.

Thank you for always being a phone call away. It's an incredible transition in our relationship to go from nurturer, to disciplinarian, to cheerleader, to my best friend. We're both moms now.

When Roman was born, you wrote me a card that ended with, "now you're beginning to know just how much I love you." What you never told me is just how much more I would love YOU.