There are so many things I want to write about, and of course, not enough time to write them. Somehow 3 months went by since I last wrote a blog post, and I realize I probably left you all wondering what is going on with my health. This wasn't the original intent of this post, but I'll give you a summary anyway.
Long story short, they haven't found anything obviously abnormal. I have had about a dozen doctor's appointments in the past few months, which doesn't sound like much, but it feels like every day I'm not working I'm seeing a different doctor. It's exhausting to even think about where to begin, I'm exhausted all the time anyway. (Symptom of being a mom, or another health issue, I don't know.) After getting nowhere with the Urologist, I scheduled an appointment with a Rheumatologist for the end of September to see if the bladder pain was somehow autoimmune related. A few weeks before my appointment, I started to experience extremely dry mouth and dry eyes. By the time I saw the Rheumatologist, the dryness was unbearable. He took about 6 vials of blood to check for any kind of infection or autoimmune disease including Lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, and Sjogren's disease. Sjogren's was my main concern since it's an autoimmune disease in which your body attacks your moisture-producing glands, and the most common symptoms are dry mouth and dry eyes. There is no known cause and no known cure. He was also concerned with a swollen lymph node on the right side of my neck, and wanted me to follow up with my family doctor for an ultrasound.
A few days later I got the call that all of my labs came back normal except for one marker for Sjogren's disease. It almost didn't phase me or come as a surprise since I was experiencing all the textbook symptoms. We scheduled another appointment to see the Rheumatologist, and made the drive to Creighton in Omaha about a week later. When the Doctor walked in the room he informed us that they sent my blood to Mayo for retesting, and everything came back negative, so the Sjogren's marker was a false positive.
What?
We drove all the way to Omaha for him to tell us it was a false positive and there's really nothing wrong with me even though I'm having all these symptoms? I
Meanwhile, I made an appointment with my family doctor to check my lymph node and we scheduled an ultrasound to get a better look. I waited nervously over the weekend to hear back about the results, and finally got the call that my lymph nodes were prominent, but didn't look pathological, whatever that meant. I had 3 options: Wait and watch, schedule at CT scan, or get referred to a surgeon for a second opinion and possible biopsy. I chose to follow up with a CT scan. A few days after the CT the doctor called and said pretty much the same thing. I had a small enlarged node, but it looked benign, so we decided to just wait and keep an eye on it.
So that's what the past few months have looked like for me. Work, photography, and doctor appointments with no definitive answers. I have lost about 20 pounds, and am under my pre-pregnancy weight. I'm not complaining, but I just want to make sure it's healthy weight loss and not a symptom of an underlying problem.
Anywayyyyy....what I really wanted to talk about was friends. Relationships. Grace. Bitterness.
Motherhood in itself is lonely and feels isolating at times, add to that some chronic health problems and you feel like you live in a cave. How do you tell someone what you're going through when they don't even know to ask? A few people have checked in with me, or asked if there is anything new, and I appreciate that more than you even know. It means you're thinking of me. It means you care about me. I know it's probably uncomfortable, and maybe you think I don't want to talk about it, but a quick, "How have you been?" can go a long way.
I have found myself getting bitter about a lot of things lately. It all stems from my pride and selfishness, I know, but I find myself quick to judge other's intentions. I have been screaming inside to all the "good Christian people" WHERE ARE YOU?? I need you right now. I need to cut through the small talk and get deep for two seconds. I need to exchange war stories and show off battle wounds. I need love. And maybe it's my fault, maybe I'm not good about asking for it, or people assume I don't need it, but I do. I'm at a point in my life that I just don't have the energy for casual relationships anymore, and that's ok, right?
Revelation 3:15-16
I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! 16So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.
There are people that make me want to spit them out of my mouth, we all know them. The "Josh Duggars" of the world who proclaim the sanctity of marriage from their soapbox, then meet a hooker at a hotel later that night. Hypocrites. Legalists. Self-righteous people.
I know I am not perfect, far from it, but the one thing I always strive to be is genuine. How can I lay my brokenness in front of a handful of people and get nothing in return but empty stares? Bleed with me when I'm hurt, cry with me when I'm sad, rejoice with me when I'm happy.
It's so much easier to be nice and generous and caring to people we don't know. It makes us feel good when we sponsor that little boy from Africa, we like when someone sees us help a little old lady with her groceries. Then we turn around and ignore the pain in the people who we are supposed to love the most; our spouses, our friends, our church. We don't have to go on a mission trip halfway around the world to find a soul in need.
These things have been on my heart lately, and if I have ever made anyone feel the way I am feeling right now, I am sorry. I'm sorry I was too caught up in myself that I didn't see the pain in your eyes. I'm sorry I have been deep in the trenches of diapers and nap times that I haven't been able to lift you up. Most of the time I feel unqualified to give any sort of advice or direction, but it costs nothing to be a friend. We're all in this together, so give me grace and I'll do my best to give you grace, too.
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